CTRL + ALT + EAT: The Food-Fueled Life of a Webmaster
The Hunger Algorithm: Debugging Websites & Devouring Snacks
10:21 AM – Stretch dramatically. Sip espresso, lots of it, approximately the size of a small swimming pool. Voicemail mocks me. Fifteen unread messages, all unanswered. Emails pile up like a digital landfill. My croissant takes priority…
10:49 AM – Clients flood my inbox in a state of alarm. "Is my site broken?" No, Karen, your Wi-Fi is. Try turning it off and on. Coding one-handed while eating a toasted bagel. Efficiency is a skill, and I am its champion.
11:11 AM – Nothing of significance happens, but my computer announces the time in a French accent. Entirely necessary.
12:04 PM – Hunger arrives without subtlety. Lunch: a three-egg omelet, avocado, blackberries, and Yoo-Hoo, because traditional beverages are overrated.
1:01 PM – Wake up from my nap. Consider getting a normal job. Not hardly. Laugh.
1:30 PM – Enter Lin’s office with peace-offering Fig Newtons. Midway through undressing for a shower, realize she’s mid-conversation with the landlord. Didn't see him. Too late. Regret kicks in instantly.
1:51 PM – Lock NASA out of my website. Powerful feeling. Google "How to become an astronaut" just in case.
2:27 PM – Eating roasted almond butter straight from the jar while answering emails. Peak productivity.
3:39 PM – Consulting gig at a bank. Explain cybersecurity while mentally ranking local bakeries. The loan officer asks if Doom is a security threat. Strong concerns emerge about the state of financial technology.
5:05 PM – Grocery shopping. Dinner follows the strict B theme: Beef brisket, butter chicken, black bean soup, barbecue ribs, baked ziti. A meal plan should be both delicious and alphabetically entertaining.
7:39 PM – Mom calls. "Internet, schminternet. You’re a putz. Use pencils." She is unimpressed. I shrink into a gelato puddle.
8:46 PM – Amber asks when 50 Tastes Of Gray airs. I explain, again, that it's on YouTube, available at her convenience. She remains confused. A snack is required to cope.
10:00 PM – Podcast time. Food, life, absurdity. Let’s go.
This is the exact energy I strive for daily: espresso-fueled, Fig Newton-powered, and slightly on fire.
Another day toward death, accurately recorded. Remember to keep breathing.