High Velocity Food Fun!
A Talent Nobody Wants: My Mom’s Noodle Trick
A long time ago, when I was living in Los Angeles, something happened that I’d bet has never happened to you.
My mom had a sore throat and a bad cold, and she was nursing herself back to health with a bowl of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup, the classic cure-all. It’s funny how certain foods instantly transport us back to childhood, isn’t it?
We were gathered around the kitchen table, the heart of all the best conversations. My mom, dad, sister, and I, kibbitzing, gossiping, laughing, the usual. You know how slick and unruly those noodles are in chicken noodle soup, right?
Midway through telling one of my rare school-day stories, I said something that sent everyone into a fit of laughter. My mom, caught between a spoonful of soup and a full belly laugh, suddenly performed an act I can only describe as a nasal spit take… but with a twist.
A lone noodle, propelled by sheer force, shot straight out of her left nostril. And not just a gentle drop, it launched. It soared, cutting through the air like a tiny, misguided javelin, and landed clear across the room.
For a moment, time stood still. Then, absolute chaos. Shrieks of laughter, stunned expressions, my mom covering her face in disbelief while my sister gasped, “Did that just happen!?”
To this day, when I need a good laugh, I replay that noodle’s airborne journey in my mind. It’s a memory I’ll never let go of.
And hey, if you’ve ever witnessed an equally absurd food-related incident, I need to hear about it. Or, if you somehow outdo my mom’s noodle stunt, I demand photographic evidence.
Or, seeing as though this is Substack, put it in writing.
Have I got a tale for you, Noodle Nose! I was preparing for a trip to the Himalayas, so I picked up a copy of the Traveler's Tales book about Nepal. In it, I read the astonishing tale of a hiker on a trek there, who came down with a distressing case of weight loss, headaches, and stomach distress. He saw doctor after doctor, but nobody could figure out what was wrong. In desperation, he sought out a village healer and told him of his health woes. The healer examined him, left the room, and returned with a big glass of water. He held it under the sick guy's nose, while holding forceps in his free hand. After a moment, the narrator said he felt a slick motion in one of his nostrils, and watched as the healer pulled a long worm from his nasal cavities. It turns out that our hero had dipped his head into a pool of water for a drink, just like yaks do. And parasitic worms lie in wait for that moment, and slide into the yak nostril to hijack some meals. One had done the same with the human host. Weight loss, explained! There, I see your unpleasant story of your mom and the nasal noodle, and raise you one parasitic worm. None such invaded my nostrils during my trek in Nepal. But I was being careful!
This is exactly why chicken noodle soup should come with a splash zone warning. Absolute gold.